


What Are We Now?

by EscapingReality51



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Aaron gets out of prison, Angst, Communication, M/M, Robert is in pain, they attempt to rebuild
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 05:59:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10269830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EscapingReality51/pseuds/EscapingReality51
Summary: Aaron gets out of prison after Robert has helped with his appeal, but they haven't spoken in a long time. What is left of their relationship after so much pain?





	

_Aaron comes home today, love._

The words flitter through Robert’s mind as he holds both his hands around his americano at Bob’s.

Aaron is coming home.

Then why does he have a hole where his stomach should be?

  
  


They haven’t spoken in weeks, Robert too hurt and angry after Aaron refused his rights to visit and started taking drugs. Instead, they have only spoken through their solicitor, inching closer to an appeal without so much as a phone call between them.

Liv says Aaron misses him, that he has tears in his eyes when he says his name, but Robert knows they might as well be a side effect of the drugs. Aaron hasn’t been himself for a while and Robert doesn’t know what to do.

Liv tried to be their go between but somehow, that makes it all the more painful.

His overnight bag sits on the floor beside him, and Robert can’t help but glance down at it, his fingers tightening their grip on his coffee.

He doesn’t feel welcome anymore, welcome in Aaron’s life, a part of it, and if Aaron comes home he would rather already be gone than get kicked out. It’s not like he’s going far, just staying at Vic’s for a few days, but it feels like an upheaval of his entire existence, the ground shifting beneath his feet. He is supposed to be happily married to the love of his life, but right now, he doesn’t know what is real, what is between them, and what isn’t.

His coffee is cold by the time he gets up, deciding he needs something a bit stronger. Aaron might already be back, and Robert wants nothing more than to hide at Vic’s, at once dreading seeing Aaron and hungering for him.

He misses his face, the sharpness of his nose, the softness in his eyes, the slight stubble on his cheek. His hands crave to touch Aaron’s skin, need to caress his face, grip his hips and dig into his back, but Robert knows these needs are secondary to the wedge that has driven itself between them.

He picks up his bag and walks to David’s, grabbing the first bottle of whiskey he finds and walking over to the counter to pay. Tracy eyes him, asking quietly as he pays,

“Aaron’s on his way home, isn’t he?”

Robert makes a noncommittal grunt, dishes out a £20 note and grabs the whiskey.

“You alright?” she asks, and he can’t even look her in the eyes.

“I’ll tell him hi from you,” he lies, before walking out of the shop and trudging towards Vic’s.

Cain’s car drives past him while he walks, and his stomach does a flip.

 _Aaron_ , he thinks, trying not to look lest he catch a glimpse of him in the backseat, suddenly glad that Cain’s windows are tinted.

He hurries down the road and gently taps on the door of Keeper’s as soon as he gets there, thankful that Vic opens the door.

“Shouldn’t you be welcoming your husband home?” she protests as he pushes inside, bottle in hand.

“I can’t see him Vic, not right now…”

“What’re you talking about? You haven’t seen him in weeks,” she says. Robert tenses at the words, feels them dig into his skin, tearing fresh wounds.

“Exactly, Vic. I haven’t seen him in weeks, we haven’t spoken, and we’ve both stuffed up, me with… Rebecca, and Aaron…” his voice drifts off as Vic gives him a shrewd look.

“What have you done with Rebecca?” she asks, and Robert sighs.

“Nothing, really… Aaron had just denied me visitation rights, I was pissed, and I tried to kiss her. She pushed me away, so nothing happened, and I know it was a mistake,” Robert sighs, running a hand over his face.

“Robert…” Vic starts, but Robert stops her with a gesture.

“I know, I was drunk and hurting… but Aaron,” Robert’s shoulders fall as he sits down, “I was useless to him in there, I tried my best but he… I haven’t seen or spoken to him in weeks… I don’t know what we are, and I need to give him space. Can I stay here tonight?”

Vic looks down at him and nods, and relief floods Robert’s body. At least he has until tomorrow.

  


 

There’s an old ache going through his chest as he opens the bottle and takes out a glass. Claws tearing their way across his skin, opening old wounds long buried since Aaron came into his life. It snakes its way through him, each second hurting more than the last and he sits down in the chair heavily, almost crumbling, all his effort bent upon not breaking.

It’s the reason Aaron’s stint was so painful; Robert now knew the feeling of being _enough._ Aaron loved him, unconditionally, generously, lustfully, and Robert sees now the near-addiction Aaron held for him, the constant need to hold him, kiss him, _love_ him that had been impossible to let go of. Until suddenly it slipped through his fingers. Now all Robert has is a bed he hasn’t slept in in months, a house that doesn’t feel like home, and his sister’s empty kitchen as he tries, desperately tries, to figure out what to do about it.

The old feeling of not being good enough, not being wanted, not being the person he should be is burning through him, and he attempts to dampen the flames with whiskey, hoping somehow he doesn’t catch fire.

Aaron always doused the flames, long before Robert thought they could make something of it, and Robert’s gut wrenches at the thought that he still isn’t good enough. This is almost what breaks him, makes him crumble, and he decides instead to try and wait, instead of acting irresponsibly, and maybe the waiting will pay off. If only it wasn’t so fucking painful.

He takes his phone out of his jacket pocket and places it tentatively on the table next to him, eyeing it with trepidation as he pours himself another glass. It doesn’t go off, but maybe he doesn’t want it to, and maybe that’s the bit that hurts the most.

His wedding ring that Aaron placed there still adorns his finger, only taken off for chores and showers, and he looks at it, twisting it around his finger, feeling the taut tether that inexorably links him to Aaron, and Robert can’t help but think back to their wedding day, and hope, with every fibre of his being, that they can some day get back to that happiness. A tear trickles down his cheek in protest, his emotions betraying him as he thinks he doesn’t know if they can.

  


 

Robert wakes with a throbbing headache, swollen eyes and the now familiar ache in his chest that accompanies an empty bed; they all serve to remind him of what he is missing, his husband. He gets out of his small bed at Vic’s and jumps in the shower, the warm water soothing the knots out of his shoulder, making him feel a bit more human, but it seems nothing can soothe his roiling stomach, and he settles for a cup of tea and some plain toast for breakfast.

Vic keeps him company, trying to cheer him up by mentioning anything with no connection to Aaron, but Robert’s mind can only drift to his face the last time they spoke, his fearful eyes, his harsh tone, his final plea for Robert to just leave because he isn’t worth it, because Aaron can’t cope and Robert can’t help him.

Robert doesn’t know why Vic stops talking, only that she does, with a worried look on her face.

“What?” he asks, and Vic nods towards the door. Robert’s stomach clenches as he hears a soft knock, and a voice that makes his heart soar and sink simultaneously.

“Robert, I want to talk to you, please..?” Aaron’s voice is muffled through the door, with none of the anger that has been replaying in Robert’s mind for _weeks_ , and Robert swallows his fear, steadies himself while he gets up, and slowly walks over to the front door.

He pauses in front of the door, imagining Aaron on the other side, seeing in his mind’s eye the sharp nose, the striking blue eyes, the broad shoulders and solid chest, the home he had always wanted, all of it so close to slipping between his fingers, and he takes a deep breath before bracing himself and opening the door.

Aaron looks… _fuck_ , Aaron looks amazing. Beard trimmed, tight t-shirt under one of his hoodies, hands stuck deep into the pockets of his tight dark jeans, and hair sitting softly atop his head, and Robert feels like the air is drawn out of his chest, slowly, painfully, like his blood can’t transport oxygen because Aaron is in front of him, because they aren’t what they were and all he wants is to wrap himself around him and keep him safe, but he no longer knows if that’s _enough_ , so he stands still, frozen, arms glued to his side as their eyes meet.

It is grounding, to look at something so beautiful and well known to him.

Robert can’t help but notice the dark circles under Aaron’s eyes, and the fading bruise on his cheek. His eyes roam Aaron’s face hungrily, taking in every detail, a face almost foreign to him after so long, but it’s _Aaron._ Aaron’s eyes, Aaron’s face, Aaron’s body, and Robert’s resolve almost crumbles. Almost.

Robert says nothing, instead waiting for Aaron to make the first move. He wants to shout profanities, get angry, revert back to the part of himself that lashes out when cornered, and Robert feels cornered. Instead, he stays silent, fear gnawing at his insides as he hears Aaron let out a shaky breath.

“Adam said you were staying at theirs for a few,” Aaron starts, and Robert gives no reply. “I want… I wanted to see you, Robert. I need to talk to ya.”

Robert swallows the lump in his throat, and lets out a sigh, the first sound he makes, and his voice almost cracks as he starts talking.

“I know, we need to talk, about… everything,” Robert concedes, taking a breath before he continues, “I just wanted to give you a chance to come home -” but Aaron cuts him off.

“I wasn’t home, Robert… you weren’t there,” he says and Robert’s heart breaks into more pieces than he thought imaginable.

“Robert, I need you, I need us to be ok,” Aaron says and Robert runs a hand through his hair.

“Right,” Robert says quietly, and Aaron bites his lip, “let me get ready, and I’ll meet you somewhere?”

Aaron shrugs, hands still in his pocket.

“I’ll wait for you here, if you don’t mind?”

A smile tugs at Robert’s lips, and Aaron takes a hand out of his pocket, running it through his hair. The wedding ring perched on Aaron’s finger reflects the light of the sun, immediately drawing Robert’s eye.

“It’s good to have this back,” Aaron says, twisting the ring, and Robert thinks his heart stops working. Silence settles between them, and Robert doesn’t know where to look, the sight before him is too much and not enough and he aches but he doesn’t know what for. Aaron clears his throat, and Robert snaps back into reality.

“I’ll be ready quickly, yeah?”

Aaron nods, and smiles at him, and Robert can’t look at it because he doesn’t deserve Aaron’s happiness. He never did.

“I’ll be here,” Aaron says, and Robert closes the door, leaning against it and taking a deep breath before moving to get ready.

“You alright?” Vic asks, leaning against the kitchen doorway.

Robert sighs, and shrugs.

“I don’t know…”

**Author's Note:**

> I am awful at tags. Started this on tumblr, people seemed anxious to read it, but I don't know if it's any good. Different style to what I'm used to.  
> Leave kudos and comments, I would love to hear what you think <3 if you read this, know that ily <3  
> find me on tumblr: escapingreality51


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